Here are 10 tips to help you maintain a healthy marriage from the Sangsters:
- Be Appreciative- Tell your spouse that you appreciate them and everything they do for you, even the small things.
- Be Committed- stand strong in your commitment to save your marriage and make it healthy again. If you don't stand up for your own marriage, who will? God gives you more strength than you can ever imagine.
- Be Communicative- Keep those lines of communication open with your spouse. Talk to them daily and just discuss family matters and matters of the heart with them. It shows inclusion and promotes openness. You should also make your requests known to God, who will hear your prayers and help you in your walk to have a healthy marriage.
Personal Note: James and I talk on the phone EVERYDAY about some of everything that matter to us. He gets in his 15,000 words for sure. But ladies, I have found that the best time to just get out your 25,000- 100,000 words that they say we need to get out daily is when the spouses are on their way to sleep or following them around the house. It is actually a lot of fun, at least in my household. - Be Encouraging- Say words of encouragement to your spouse. When they do something great, tell them that they did a great job or good work. It can only encourage them to keep pleasing you, right?
Personal Note: James has a lot of "swagga" which is a slang term that means he has style. I learned that word from our "almost" 17 year old son. Anyway, I love encouraging James on his style of dress, his neckties, how well he mows the lawn and prune the roses, etc. And you know what? All of us have so much "swagga" that just gets our spouses turning cartwheels. Tell them how good they look to you and how much you love how they drill the nail, park the car, wash the car, wash the dishes, cook dinner, wear those high heels, etc. It really matters and makes a difference on your relationship with them. If "swagga" isn't a word for you, create one that you and your spouse can relate to that says "you rock my world honey when you....." - Be Genuine- In your communications, have a spirit of genuineness and not sighing, pouting or complaining about something. If you have been with them long enough, they will detect if you are genuine or just doing it for self gain. Do it in love!
- Be Fearless- I love this one because God has NOT given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind. Don't be afraid to try new things in your marriage to make it more enjoyable. Go someplace new (even if it's to a new park or restaurant), try a new bedroom move (just don't hurt yourself), try a new perfume/cologne to entice your spouse (or as the old timers used to say, a new "come and get me sauce"). Just don't be afraid to do it. This is YOUR spouse and you are entitled to have a great time with them. And the best thing about it is "IT'S 100% LEGAL) Oh Yeah baby!
- Be Fun- Did you ever have fun with your spouse early on in your marriage or during the engagement stage? I know you both hung out and took walks in the park, went to the beach, baseball games, basketball games, plays, movies, etc. You did things that were fun and enjoyable for both of you. So why do you think that you can't still have fun because you are married now?
Personal Note: I cannot tell you how much fun James and I have. It is so natural, that people see it when we are together on the street, in stores and around others. We truly have fun together and we would not have it any other way. - Be Honest- Be sincere and truthful in your communications. If you are worried or hurting about something, talk about it honestly. You know when the door is opened for that honest communication with your spouse, so don't be afraid to do it. God has not given you the spirit of fear so allow God to lead you and you will NOT go wrong.
- Be Humorous- Didn't you ever laugh when you were dating your spouse? Surely somebody cracked a joke or two in the relationship. You cannot tell me that you didn't laugh at jokes, movies, falling down, getting up or just silly things. But you know, those things gave you both hope and lightened the load of just being in a relationship. Remember, laughter is good relationship medicine and should be practiced as often as you can do it.
Personal Note: James and I laugh more now than we did back when we were courting (yeah, I did say courting). We both are a couple of characters but it makes our relationship so much better. - Be a Listener- There are times when our spouses just want a listening ear. Don't be too busy to be a listener when your spouse needs to talk. You did talk all night when you were dating right? I bet you couldn't get enough of talking to them on the phone or in person. The difference now is that you don't tell them to go home and come back tomorrow, because you are living under the same household. Lend that ear to them and they will cherish it!
Personal Note: James and I spend time listening to each other quite a bit. I usually get in my listening time when he is out in the yard or relaxing in his recliner. I usually get him to listen more when it's time for bed. Yep, I literally talk him to sleep! It's fun!
Some people don't want to hear it, but the reality is this, if you are not fulfilling your role as the spouse that God wants you to be, someone else will be happy to try and fill it for you. NOT on God's watch baby! Tell that devil he is a liar from the pits of hell and don't let that happen in your marriage!! Take Charge of what you need to do to keep your marriage healthy. You have to be committed to doing what it takes to keep it presentable in the eyes of God, so the world can know what real marriages are made of.
Listen, God wants us to have marriages that glorify Him, so He will ensure that we can overcome the obstacles that sometimes easily beset us in this daily walk; we just have to put forth the effort first and be open to following God's instructions.
Now, go grow a healthy marriage...in Christ!
Click here for part 1 of how to grow a healthy marriage.
Can we talk about the airplane just one more time? Even though the pilots have done a preflight check and all they can do to insure a flawless takeoff, there most certainly will always be obstacles to face after the plane has taken off. Flying is no different than other things that occur in our lives. Just when you think everything is going as planned, it doesn’t. There is carefully planned maintenance, test by engineers, pilots that have been rigorously trained in the mechanics of the plane and of course pre-flight checks. It just seems that when you think you are prepared for something that’s when you find out, you aren’t.
Listen, no amount of training that a pilot has taken; no amount of mechanical engineering and no amount of preflight preparation can prepare a pilot or co-pilot for ice that forms on the wings during flight. It is during this most critical time a pilot will take a critical test. The right decisions must be precisely made, control is critical, timing is of the utmost importance and no errors can be made. A pilot error at this point will make the difference whether an entire flight perishes or survives.
As was pointed out in Part 1, in a marriage a husband is the pilot. This pilot is responsible for the total success of the marriage. That is to say whether it succeeds to its destination or if it crashes and burns. In this situation, it really doesn’t matter what the condition of the copilot (wife) is, the pilot is in complete control. You should be aware that if this flight crashes, the manager of the airlines is not going to hold the co-pilot responsible, but the pilot. God expects husbands to rely on the training they have and the training that is available to them to ensure this flight arrives safely (with the co-pilot). Just in case some of the pilots out there aren’t too sure about their flight plan, here’s a note from section Isaiah 41:10 that says, "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
Take control of that flight! Sometimes the co-pilot will think they know best, especially in the face of adversity, but the pilot is the first person the air traffic controller is going to talk to and hold accountable. In the flight manual (the bible), there are several sections you may need to read over to ensure you’ve got the right stuff for in-flight crisis. Here are a few for reference:
- "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1
- "The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart. In crisis we may wonder, whom can I trust? We can always trust the Lord." Psalm 28:7
- "From the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help. When we reach the, we reach the end of our rope, we must call upon the Lord, for our weaknesses are times for his strength; our crisis are his opportunities." Psalm 130:1
- "When I had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts once more to the Lord." Jonah 2:7
Remember, communication is the key to you and your spouse steering the plane to the airport, but God, who is the air traffic controller and holds the pilot accountable, paves the way for you to have a safe landing.
Have you ever taken a ride on an airplane? As you know, there is a pilot and co-pilot who steer and fly the plane. They work together and communicate with each other to ensure you have a safe flight and safe landing. Not all people understand what takes place when an airplane is preparing for landing, but quite a bit of communication takes place between the pilot and co-pilot, to ensure you have a safe landing.
First, the pilot calls off the various controls and the co-pilot will say something like “check” to confirm that the control is in place. If an error is made, they will consult with one another and the pilot will make the call again, until they are both on one accord. Additionally, they will call in to the control tower and speak with the air traffic controller, to ensure a landing spot is prepared for them to land safely. After the communication with the co-pilot and air traffic controller is on one accord, the plane can make a safe landing. When the communication is off, you are ensured of a risky landing or worse. The key thing is to ensure all controls are confirmed and that the instructions of the air traffic controller are followed.
In our marriages, our husbands are the pilots, we are the co-pilots and God is the air traffic controller. We have to communicate effectively with our spouses to ensure our marriage controls are in order. Just like the controls have to be double-checked for accuracy if they are not confirmed to be in order, the same applies for our marriages. We have to commit to ensuring we are on one accord with our spouses and communicating effectively with them, so our marriages can land strong. The best way to do that is to also ensure that we enlist and follow the instructions of God, who is our air traffic controller. If we follow his instructions for our marriages especially in communicating with our spouses, we can have a safe landing.
As you move throughout your day today, think about your communication controls in your marriage, as it relates to talking to your husband about matters of the heart to include the children, the finances, your home, his likes, your likes, his job, your job your spiritual lives and the dreams you both have for your marriage to flourish. If your controls are not as effective as they should be, then pray and ask God to give you wisdom and guidance in working on them individually, and as a couple with God’s help.
Remember, communication is the key to you and your spouse steering the plane to the airport, but God, who is the air traffic controller, paves the way for you to have a safe landing.
Be Blessed Always
James 1:17 tells us that “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of heavenly lights, with whom is no variableness (change), neither shadow of turning.”
Do you remember what birthdays were like when you were a child? You anxiously awaited your birthday gifts so you could unwrap them. You didn’t really know what to expect sometimes, but the excitement of getting that gift was well worth the wait. There would be times when you got your presents on your birthday and others, well they were a little belated, but you still received them and were extremely happy.
Your spouse is like that much anticipated birthday gift. Didn’t you anticipate your wedding day and looked forward to getting with that spouse and bonding as one? Oh yeah, you know what I am talking about! I bet you couldn’t wait to unwrap that gift that you were blessed with on your wedding night. You bragged about your special gift and cherished it initially didn’t you? What has changed so much in how you value that gift?
Look, spouses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and packages, but they are yours and were given by God, just for YOU! Sometimes as with birthday gifts, they are not perfect and may even “break,” but you work to fix the broken part, so you can get many more years of enjoyment out of them. You have waited a lifetime for that special someone to love, cherish and honor for the rest of your life, so isn’t it important and valuable enough to keep working to fix situations when times get tough?
Think about it, don’t you have some toys or items that you may have received when you were a child that you have cherished for many years? They may break, tear or even rip, but you fix them and salvage them because they are special to you. Your marriage is that same special toy that you should cherish and strive to keep fixed every day. It’s yours; you deserve it; God gave it to you; so keep it! Strive to make it work and make the commitment to do your best at trying to make it work.
Remember, God put so much time, effort and thought into choosing that right gift in your spouse for you. he really didn’t have to do it, but he did because he values you and loves you so much, that he took time to choose this special gift just for Y-O-U!! As a matter of fact, he loves you so much that he gave his son, Jesus Christ, as a gift to you! His life for your life! WOW! Imagine that my friend!
Don’t you just love God so much and thank him for your special gift in your spouse? Do yourself a favor and cherish that gift for a lifetime. Why?
Because James 1:17 tells us that ‘Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of heavenly lights, with whom is no variableness (change), neither shadow of turning.”
Believe It!
Because of the man-made day we call Mother’s Day is rapidly approaching we’d like to seize this opportunity to say a few words. First the disclaimer, these thoughts are not derived from the economical status of the world today, but rather from matters of the heart. Mother’s have been around a very long time and needless to say we wouldn’t be engaged in this conversation if it wasn’t for a mother. I don’t mean because they gave birth to us, changed our diapers and wiped our nasty noses, but because a great percentage of who we are morally and spiritually is because of them. They are in most part responsible for all of our basic manners and ability to know right from wrong. Some of us wouldn’t even know how to wash and iron a shirt is it wasn’t for mother. Some of us wouldn’t know what a Sunday school was if it wasn’t for a mother. As a matter of fact some of us wouldn’t have even known how to tie our shoes if it wasn’t for mother. It is a very strange thing now that there had to be a day designated that we celebrate our mothers. Yes I’ve heard the story how Mother’s Day came about, but I’m really concerned that most of us still don’t get it. I see men and women scurrying about like little bees, in and out of drug stores the day before Mother’s Day trying to snag a card from the leftovers on the shelves that look like there had just been an explosion. I’ve seen men and women days before with their faces buried in a computer screen searching for the express delivery gift and the long lines that at the stores that appear to be endless.
Have we become so materialistic that we have forgotten what truly satisfies our souls? Have we forgotten what brought our mothers delight as we grew into adults or have we become so individual that we’ve separated from the kindred spirit of family? What I am about to propose will seem strange to some, but others will see the value almost immediately. I challenge you this year to come out of your comfort zone and enter your mothers. Walk up to that door with a smile and give her the most precious gift any daughter or son could give . . . you. That’s right, give her you. Take her your love, your conversation, your memories from growing up. Just sit with her until she gets tired, wash her feet with care like she did yours, walk with her like she walked with you to school on the first day, hold her hand like she held yours once. Most of all before you walk away from her on that day, tell her how much you appreciate what she did for you. Thank her for her patience, her guidance, her love, her comfort. Thank her for sticking by you when things were really tough. Thank her for smiling in the face of adversity and knowing how to make you feel everything was going to be alright.
Mother’s day is very different than when we were growing up. We are also very different especially the matters of our hearts. Some of us have developed so maturely we can’t see the sincerity in simple things anymore. There is one thing that hasn’t changed in all of the passing of time and that’s mother, she will always be the same. This mother’s day we only want to suggest that you stop, step back and think about those things that are most important to her and not you. Give it a thought at least.
I learned a new Italian word from our 16 y/o son this week, Tempesta. Tempesta means "storm" in Italian. As I was thinking about the word I learned, I began to reflect on the different storms of life. We all have to deal with them in one form or another. It might be a storm of grief, depression, hurt, anxiety, fear, career loss, financial loss or just issues that you consider storms in your life.
But you do know why we have tools (umbrellas, rain boots and rain coats) right? We use our tools and resources to help us deal with those storms and endure them until the sun shines again.
Your tools or resources could be friends, family, faith, religion, running, singing, dancing or whatever you consider helps you endure your Tempesta. Whatever the resource, its yours and it helps you make it through your storm.
On this week, be thankful for every TEMPESTA that you made it through and the resources you had to make it through them. If your sun isn't shining yet, it WILL! But if it is shining, bask in it.
Remember, the storm will pass one day and your sun is destined to shine!